I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
