I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
