just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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