It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
