She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
