why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
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