I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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