God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
