I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
