I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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