and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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