my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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