I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
