Already got asked if we're dating
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
