this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
