i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
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