so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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