Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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