Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
