My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Less talking, more tequila
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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