I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
