Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
