I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is Oprah even human
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
