I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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