i wish peter jackson would direct porn
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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