I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
Screwed.edu
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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