So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
