so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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