First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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