if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize