Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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