3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
