genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
