what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
