I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
porn star boner night. come get it.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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