Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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