Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Never joke about your clitoris.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
