Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
