Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
vagina is talking i cant
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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