i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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