peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
