you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
