I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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