He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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