What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I want a musical about memes.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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