Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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