if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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