Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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