I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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