he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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