I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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