he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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